The point of this blog is that it can also be autobiographical, so today’s post is me-centred. Sorry to anyone expecting anything useful.
So, if you follow me on twitter you’ve probably noticed that I get a bit ranty at times, because being trans in western society can be really hard. It’s not all doom and gloom though, some really cool things have happened since I’ve come out. The following is a list of things, good and bad, that have happened since I came out.
There’s a whole new list of things for people to call you. Turns out, there are many types of dude. Being queer as well leads to all sorts of amusing titles. When I wear make-up, I’m a queen. In regular life, I’m apparently a bear (this was before I changed my name to Teddy, fyi). All I know is whatever labels that get applied to me now, I like them 110% better than anything that was applied to be before coming out.
I really like messing with people’s perceptions of gender. In a statement that will shock absolutely no one, I like fucking with close-minded people. People who genuinely want to learn, I have all the time in the world for, as frustrating as some of the questions can be. People who are determined I have no right to exist, however, I will fuck with them all day. It brings me joy, as well as highlighting to others (as it often happens online) just how idiotic their world view can be.
My friends, they’re really fucking cool. Like off the charts cool. Coming out is scary, there’s no doubt about that, but the fact that the biggest reactions I got from my friends were, in no particular order: “so he/him pronouns now?” “I will change your name in my phone so I don’t forget”, and the best one of all “Cool. Love you. When you getting your butt to X so we can see you?” They gave no fucks, and it is a beautiful, wonderful thing.
Other people on the internet, on the other hand, aren’t particularly cool. When Twitter did that update to let people open their DMs, and just set everyone’s default to open, I got a whole lot of shit from people. There’s a small band of folk on the internet who seem to think the best use of their time is to go around to trans folx and tell us the best thing we can do is kill ourselves. On the face of it it’s a minor annoyance, a quick click and they’re blocked, but it does needle away at the back of the mind. Hear it enough, and it can start affecting your thinking.
My chest really upsets me. I remember being one of the first in my class to have to wear a bra, which at primary school is seen as this huge achievement, but even then I remember not wanting to do it, and cursing the fact that the things making me have to would only get bigger as time goes on. I have a 38D chest, and when your brain is telling you that they don’t belong, the fact they actively get in the way of things can make for unpleasant thoughts. Thank any and all gods for binders.
Barbers get really confused when I go in for haircuts. Especially on days I can’t bind. However, to a man they have been super cool when I’ve explained, and are more than happy to cut my hair. And banter just like they do with all the other customers. Huge shout-out to the Turkish barbers in St Andrews, who not only were super sound, but had a really rad older gentleman in getting his hair cut at the same time, and he told me where the best place to get a tailored suit for a reasonable price. Big thumbs up, rad older dude.
Changing my name didn’t seem super important at first, in fact I went almost a year using a shortened version of my dead name before it got to the stage where I needed to change. I have an old friend who caught on to how my new name is an old throwback, but everyone has been super good about using it. I’ve even had people dual-tag me in their phones, because I have to be stealth in some places. People are great.
Very little has actually changed. I still do all the same things I did before, I have mostly the same friends I did before, and the ones I don’t are people I don’t need in my life. It’s been pretty rad, despite the asshats, and I am very glad I get to share the experience.
More useful information next week.